Throughout our lives, we meet many new people and have to estimate who we can trust and who not, but what if we always attract narcissists into our lives? It’s important to note that anyone around you can be a narcissist, from your boyfriend or girlfriend to your parents. They can be someone you’ve known your whole life, or appear out of nowhere. Additionally, a lot of time can pass until you realize that something’s wrong.
Often, we’re not even aware that it’s actually a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder we’re dealing with, and that’s why we keep hoping for the situation to improve soon.
In this blog, I want to explain to you why we tend to attract narcissists into our lives, and how we can stop doing it. You may have heard some of this before, but I’m going to bring you closer to what your narcissistic mother or father has to do with it.
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What Is a Narcissist?
The problem is that we often don’t even know we’re dealing with a narcissist. So, the first thing we need to know is, what makes a narcissist. That means, we need to know the characteristics of a narcissist in order to be able to better estimate this. If you notice some of the following characteristics, you might be dealing with a narcissist:
- Lack of Empathy
- Delusions of Grandeur
- Excessive Need for Attention
- Control Freak
- Pathological Liars
- Blaming Others
- Belittling Others
- Gaslighting
- Bullying
- Distorted Self-Image
Who Is a Narcissist in My Life?
Now that we have discussed the essential characteristics of a narcissist, we can apply that to our everyday lives and think about it. Well, literally anyone can be the narcissist in your life:
- your mother or father;
- brother or sister;
- boyfriend or girlfriend;
- husband or wife;
- colleague or boss;
- your cousin;
- or even a so-called “friend”.
Whoever is intentionally making you suffer is a narcissist in your life. And it doesn’t have to be just one. There can be many of them over time, and they could all play different roles in your life. Sometimes it can feel like you only attract narcissists, and nobody else.
Why Do I Attract Narcissists?
The thing is not that you attract narcissists, but that you are “easy prey” for them. Perhaps you grew up with a narcissistic mother or father or otherwise experienced some form of mental abuse in childhood that now makes you vulnerable to these types of people? The consequences of mental abuse can be severe and affect the rest of the victim’s life.
You’re an Empath
It’s important to you that the people around you are well and that there is a pleasant atmosphere. You can empathize with others and feel the pain they feel without ever having experienced it yourself. For empaths, trying to help and fix others and compassion comes naturally. And, this is precisely what a narcissist feeds on.
Don’t get me wrong, though, that’s a great characteristic! But it’s exactly this understanding and sacrifice that you attract narcissists because they can shamelessly exploit and play with it, with all kinds of tricks and facets.
However, please don’t think now that you have to be an as***le in this world from now on! I will explain to you why in a moment.
Denying Your Own Needs
You completely reduce your own wishes and needs and care more about others than about yourself. Even when you’re really miserable, you hardly talk about it but are still there for others rather than for yourself.
The most important thing for you is that others are satisfied, even if you yourself make losses in your own feelings. You basically attract narcissists by giving up your own needs in their favor.
Thinking You’re Not Good Enough
Denying your needs is often followed by thinking you’re not good enough, and you do everything you can to please others. You think that you have to be perfect to be loved, or that you can only be loved in return for something. This can often be the result of a conscious or unconscious trauma you’ve experienced in the past.
And, of course, that’s a feast for a narcissist’s eyes. Thus, it’s also possible to attract narcissists, because they can play out their greed for control.
You’re Used to Being Manipulated
In the end, you may not even be used to anything other than being manipulated your whole life. It may already be so deep-rooted in you that you may not have realized it. In fact, you might even have grown up with mental manipulation.
So, the cause could be that you grew up with a narcissistic mother or father, but you may not be aware of it. For you, what you’re experiencing could be your “normal”, and it’s important to realize that it isn’t.
How to Stop Attracting Narcissists
Of course, as I said before, you don’t have to be an as***ole, or totally isolate yourself from now on not to attract narcissists anymore. This form of self-sacrifice is not worth it, and it will also never make a narcissist change. On the contrary, narcissists can use even that against you, as soon as you’re weak and believe one of their “good” moments. Plus, you are simply not an as***ole, and deep insight, you know that.
So, if you really don’t want to attract narcissists into your life anymore, or let them affect you, I can give you the following suggestions:
Know the Characteristics of a Narcissist
Often, this is easier said than done, because sometimes, not all of their characteristics occur at the same time or to the same degree. Try not to get hung up on the few beautiful moments you’ve had together because these were mostly only played on the part of the narcissist anyways. Even if everything seemed to be perfect at the beginning, that was only a part of their plan.
Try to look at your situation with the narcissist rather objectively, and be aware of how much you suffer from it. And be aware that if the narcissist is good to you at one moment, he or she is deliberately trying to give you false hope so that they can continue to manipulate and control you.
Compare the Good and the Bad
Make a mental note of your time spent with the narcissist. Are they making you happy or miserable the majority of the time? How do they make you feel? Do they hold you back and provoke feelings of anger and frustration? Or do you feel supported and free next to them? Are you afraid of their reactions? Is their love or friendship unconditional? Or is it attached to certain strings and conditions you have to fulfill?
Anything that doesn’t make you comfortable in another person’s company is a red flag.
Understand That It’s Not You
Try not to keep thinking “why do I attract narcissists” because the problem is not you. If you’re aware of the fact that the narcissist in your life is trying to manipulate you, that’s really already a huge step.
You’re the victim of mental manipulation and you’ve done nothing wrong. The narcissist is simply trying to diminish all your positive qualities and your feelings because it makes them feel better and empowered. They feed on the energy of others, which is why they’re also called “emotional vampires”.
Know What You Want
You probably say that you just want to be happy, but what exactly is that? Money and wealth? Love and affection? Or do you simply want to be free of them, no longer attract narcissists, and live your own life? There are some big differences here that we need to define first.
Take the time to think about what you want in life, and leave everything that others want from you out of this. It’s all about listening to your own feelings and being fully aware of them.
Beautiful Moments Are There to Control Your Mind
Here, it’s also important to disregard any beautiful memories with the narcissist as well, because these are purposefully orchestrated to control you. Also, this keeps you from making mindful decisions, and you just go around in circles.
You have to detach from these memories you have from the time spent with them and learn that these memories were only moments, like in a photograph. But mental abuse is an ongoing process that will not stop unless you put a stop to it.
These beautiful moments serve the narcissist to constantly give their victim empty hopes that maybe everything will get better after all and that the narcissist would change. However, the likelihood of a narcissist changing is close to zero because they almost never realize they have a problem and might even need help.
Find and Be Yourself
Of course, it’s very good to be there for others, but you also have to take care of yourself. And in the end, that’s the most important thing. Think about it this way: the better you are, the better you can be there for the people who really love and need you, and not waste all your energy on the narcissist and how not to attract narcissists anymore.
But who are you deep inside? Well, let me give you a few examples: Your
- Feelings;
- Dreams;
- Wishes;
- Goals;
- Desires;
- Humor;
- Laughter;
- Smile.
It’s all there already and you don’t have to reinvent yourself for it. You just have to realize it and allow it, because only you can find the way back to yourself.
Recommendations for Not Attracting Narcissists
Knowledge
If you ultimately don’t want to attract narcissists into your life anymore or let them control and manipulate you, I urge you to learn as much as you can about the whole spectrum of narcissism, and the consequences of mental abuse. The more you know about it, the better you can protect yourself from it.
This doesn’t mean that you won’t encounter narcissists anymore in your life, but you will be able to recognize the warning signs earlier and escape the situation before they put you under their spell. That’s the case in all situations, whether it’s a romantic relationship, at work, or elsewhere.
Don’t Be Their Energy Supply
Set clear boundaries and don’t reveal too much about yourself that the narcissist could later use against you and hurt you. Narcissists find it very attractive when they know exactly where your weak points are and how to hit them.
And, remember that narcissists are pathological liars. Don’t believe everything they say, and don’t let them drag you back to the good times spent with them because even these are mostly faked.
If you know what narcissism is and know the characteristics of people with NPD, you are already well equipped to defend yourself against mental abuse.
Last Words
I’ve been asked many times if I would recommend therapy. Therapy is not a magic tool that will help you feel better overnight and forget all your problems. It’s meant to help you find the cause of your current state of suffering so that you can work through it and deal with it.
Personally, I have not had good experiences with therapies, but that doesn’t mean I don’t approve of therapy. I probably just went to the wrong therapists.
They immediately prescribed me pills, and even they just said in the end “she’s only your mother after all”. I am not a friend of pills, because the real healing has to take place within oneself. Pills can make you feel better temporarily, but as soon as they wear off, the pain hits back. Even dependencies can occur due to the fact that the pills have to keep the artificially created high constantly up in order to feel better. That’s why it’s important to heal from the inside.
So if you’re considering therapy, it’s absolutely fine and there’s really nothing to be ashamed or afraid of. Please just make sure the expert has a broad knowledge, and especially an understanding about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Ultimately, if you feel like you constantly attract narcissists, the real change has to start from within.