Feeling guilty is a notion that’s extremely familiar to everyone that has ever dealt with a narcissistic person in their life.
Guilt is normal, and it occurs when we’re aware of having done something wrong or hurt someone else. However, irrational, pathological feelings of guilt can be detrimental to our everyday lives and can influence our actions and decisions. In this blog, I want to explain how feeling guilty and anxious all the time can be related to a narcissistic mother or father, and how you can step out of this vicious circle.
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What Is Guilt?
Guilt is a natural emotional response we feel when we cause suffering to someone else, we’ve done something wrong, or think we’ve done something wrong. When we feel guilty, we’re virtually open to being punished because we believe we deserve it. We feel the need to apologize or otherwise make up for our mistake in order to stop feeling guilty.
So, we’re aware of a mistake and feel guilty about it. But, what if you haven’t done anything wrong in reality but still can’t get rid of the guilt feeling? What if your guilt is irrational?
And, is there a connection between the early behavior of a narcissistic parent and adult children who go through life guilt-ridden?
The Guilt Complex
The problem is when these irrational feelings of guilt come up in many situations and even affect your everyday life. You can’t concentrate on anything, you blame yourself for everything, and you make up worst-case scenarios in your head.
These constant feelings of guilt no longer have anything to do with the natural response to a mistake, and they usually occur in conjunction with various other issues.
In this case, we speak of the so-called Guilt Complex, a combination of:
- Rumination
- Moping
- Regret
- Anxiety
- Panic attacks
- Depression
- Insomnia
- Worry
- And more
Over time, you can develop the feeling of being useless and not deserving anything good in life. Your self-esteem can suffer greatly, and you can feel ashamed, small, and tend to have a self-punishing mindset. Your thoughts constantly spiral out of control, and you have trouble making decisions and speaking up for yourself because you’re afraid of saying or doing something wrong.
As a result, you can experience depression and chronic anxiety, social withdrawal, panic attacks, insomnia, nightmares, loss of libido, and more. And this can have severe effects on relationships, friendships, and work-life. You tend to withdraw and think about what you’re constantly doing wrong, and you want to stop feeling guilty and anxious, but you don’t realize that all these things result from your narcissistic parent’s behavior toward you.
Most Common Thoughts when Feeling Guilty
It can take small things to feel guilty and picture the worst-case scenarios in your head. Sometimes it’s enough if your partner doesn’t say thank you, your best friend doesn’t answer your message, or your colleague is in a bad mood.
In my case, I even used to think that someone was mad at me or that I did something wrong if they took a deep breath and exhaled just a little louder because, with my narcissistic mother, that was always an expression of her hatred and disgust.
You immediately think that you’ve done something wrong, and this is where the self-punishing mindset begins. You start asking yourself things like:
- Did I say or do something wrong?
- Should I have reacted differently to something?
- Is my partner/friend/colleague angry with me?
- Am I good enough, or am I worthy?
- Do I deserve to be loved?
- Was my mother/father right – am I really a loser?
All your thoughts turn to what you might have done wrong, which can lead to sweating, panic attacks, high blood pressure, dizziness, and more. You start looking for mistakes in yourself, and you’re mentally prepared to get your punishment for it. After all, you must have done something wrong because otherwise, no one would be mad at you, right? Wrong. And let’s see why.
Why Do We Feel Guilty When We Grow up with a Narcissistic Parent?
If you experience feeling guilty chronically and irrationally, a narcissistic parent could be responsible more often than you think.
Those who grow up with a narcissistic mother or father “learn” from early childhood that everything is their fault, similar to how they learn anxiety as well. The repetitive pattern of guilt trips, blaming, threatening, and punishing settles in the brain and can sometimes even stay for a lifetime unless you get to the bottom of it.
Your narcissistic parent has been guilt-tripping you your whole life to make themselves feel better and get what they want out of you. So, even if you don’t make a direct connection between a past scenario and your present guilt right away, know that your early childhood development hides tons of reasons why you are the way you are today.
Examples for Feeling Guilty When Growing up with a Narcissistic Parent
In the following, I’ll give you a few examples of what the Guilt Complex feels like:
- You feel guilty when you think about taking a vacation
- Permanent inner pressure to do something
- You have existential fears and always fear the worst
- Constant inner turmoil and you can’t calm down
- Relaxation is something you only know in theory
- You can’t sleep at night and have weird dreams if you’re asleep
- Panic attacks can be a frequent companion
- Feeling sick and you have chills, dizziness, and stomach problems
- You can’t concentrate on anything, not even on a movie
- Self-sacrifice to please others
- Suicidal thoughts
Consequences of Feeling Guilty Due to a Narcissistic Parent
This Guilt Complex can lead to severe health damage, both psychologically and physically. Stress releases cortisol and adrenaline in your body, which can lead to many problems in the long run:
- High blood pressure
- Heart problems
- Gastritis
- Circulation problems
- Sweating
- Pain in the muscles
- Weight loss
- Obesity
- Vision problems
In addition, you start to neglect yourself. You eat unhealthy food, may turn to alcohol or other addictive substances, move less, don’t pay as much attention to your hygiene, and so on. Eventually, you completely give up on yourself and think only the worst about yourself.
And so, you find yourself in a constant vicious circle. If you’re not doing well mentally, and you’re not taking care of yourself physically, it’s only going to drag you down more and more. That’s why it’s crucial to get your guilt under control because it can have a negative impact on your life.
How To Stop Feeling Guilty?
Your feelings of guilt won’t just disappear overnight; you have to take action yourself. But when you actively work on it, it’s definitely possible to get rid of feeling guilty due to a narcissistic mother or father. Don’t try to ignore your feelings of guilt but seriously deal with them. But try to see them objectively and don’t let them affect you emotionally.
Here are some tips that have helped me personally a lot to stop feeling guilty due to my narcissistic mother:
Keep a Guilt Diary
Write down and note each time when you feel guilty. But don’t try to analyze what you might have done wrong because that’s your narcissistic mother’s or father’s manipulation talking there. Instead, try to look at these feelings objectively without judging them. What exactly is it that has triggered them in that very moment?
By keeping a diary, you can always look it up when you’re feeling guilty and see that most of the time, it’s because of the way your narcissistic parent brought you up.
Be Aware of Having a Narcissistic Parent
Being aware that your mother or father has Narcissistic Personality Disorder can help you look at your guilt more objectively. Since you were born, your narcissistic parent has taught you that everything is always your fault. So, you’ve “learned” to be the scapegoat, and you got used to it. It’s like a bad habit that you should give up.
Don’t Judge Yourself
Stop judging yourself and belittling yourself. You’re only continuing what your narcissistic mother or father has always done. It is, in fact, not possible for you to be responsible for the failures of others.
Instead, honor and appreciate your positive qualities, and love yourself. You have much more good in you than your narcissistic parent has allowed you to know. You can also write down your good qualities regularly and keep reminding yourself that you’re worthy of being loved and treated respectfully.
Forgive Yourself
Closely related to this is that you should forgive yourself and treat yourself well. It might sound cliché, but this is a critical point because you are your only permanent companion. If you constantly judge and belittle yourself, it’s not really possible to get out of this vicious circle. Compassion towards yourself is not selfishness, but a healthy attitude to go through life with joy and love.
Key Takeaways to Fight Narcissistic Guilt Trips
Personally, I’ve felt guilty and anxious for all sorts of things for over thirty years because my narcissistic mother taught me that from birth. I had chronic high blood pressure and gastritis, depression, existence fears, and suicidal thoughts.
I’ve tried several therapies, but the therapists just prescribed me some pills in the first session and hoped for me to take them. However, I’ve never taken any of them because I know it can temporarily make you feel better, but once the effect wears off, you’ll need them again, which can lead to addiction. Real healing can only take place within yourself. Don’t get me wrong – therapy can help you get to the bottom of your feelings of guilt and anxiety. But, only if your therapist knows about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and can understand what you’ve been through.
Knowledge Is Your “Tool” of Choice
In the end, it was only my knowledge that helped me free myself from feeling guilty and anxious due to my narcissistic mother. I can’t recommend enough that you educate yourself on the whole spectrum of narcissism as much as you can.
When you truly understand that you’re dealing with a narcissistic mother or father, it makes it easier for you to maintain objectivity in your Guilt Complex. Furthermore, knowledge is the best tool for resisting and freeing yourself from mental abuse by a narcissist.
Meditation to Change the Guilt Mindset
You have to find a way to alter your mindset that your narcissistic mother or father influenced throughout your life and find yourself. Otherwise, you may always have a hard time making your own decisions and going your own way. Meditation is an excellent way to do this because it trains you not to let your manipulated thoughts affect your feelings. Try to meditate for ten minutes every day, and you will feel better and more yourself after just one or two weeks of daily meditation. But, try to do it regularly. Think of it like a muscle that you need to train regularly to grow. In the same way, you can train your brain not to be negatively influenced by your thoughts.
Exercise to Reduce Guilt-Induced Anxiety
Exercise, get some fresh air and move around a bit. Through training and physical activity, your body releases the happiness hormones serotonin, endorphin, and dopamine, which can also help you achieve inner peace. And the great thing is that this state lasts for hours after exercising.
Of course, you don’t necessarily have to lift heavy weights or so. Instead of taking the car, go somewhere by bicycle, go swimming, or go for a walk. You will really feel better. Doing something good for yourself will help you stop feeling guilty all the time because of your narcissistic mother or father.
