The Ultimate Guide to Gaslighting

10 Warning Signs of Gaslighting

Gaslighting is one of the most covert and manipulative types of emotional abuse, making it challenging to figure out and step away from. Often, the signs will be very subtle and happen throughout an extended period, making it hard to recognize them until it’s too late. To help you validate your thoughts, here are the ten most common signs of gaslighting:

1. They lie straight to your face

Although deep down, you’re sure that the narcissist is lying, you still have some doubts because they do it in such a convincing way that it can be hard not to believe them. They lie to your face without hesitation and present their story as the absolute truth. They do this on purpose to control you and make you start doubting your own senses.

2. They deny having said or done something

You are 100% certain that they’ve told you something, but they strongly deny it (yes, even when there’s proof). With this, gaslighters alter your perception and cast a shadow of doubt on your thoughts. When a gaslighter does this regularly, you start questioning your sanity and senses and start adopting theirs instead. 

When someone lies to your face in such a shamelessly blatant way, instead of assuming that they’re sick, we first believe that we were really wrong. After all, there’s no way someone can be so convinced of the opposite, so maybe it is my bad? That’s how the gaslighter wants you to think and feel.

3. They don’t stick to their word

Gaslighters will often tell you that other people don’t like you and that they talk bad about you. With this, they intend to confuse you to the point where you don’t know who you can trust. Like this, you probably go to the gaslighter again because you think you can’t trust anybody else besides them. 

Through this manipulation, they manage to gain more control over you by isolating you from the rest of the world. Their end goal is making you believe that there’s nobody else you can trust but them.

4. They try to turn others against you

Narcissists tell you so many stories each day, usually things like what they are willing and planning to do. Many times, you are also included in these plans. However, these talks are nothing but empty words and fantasy stories. They throw them at you without even thinking about what they’re saying, as long as it sounds grandiose, successful, rich, and so on. 

In people like narcissists, psychopaths, and NPDs, you have to pay attention to their actions, not their words. In most cases, you’ll notice their words don’t match their actions.

5. They claim everyone else is a liar

Similarly, gaslighters also tend to tell you that everybody else is lying to you. Their intention with this is the same – to isolate you so that you come back to them at any time because they are “the only ones you can trust”. This construct of manipulation and lies can have severe consequences for the victims of gaslighting because they cannot make up their own minds. It can result in low self-esteem and problems with decision-making.

Remember that narcissists and NPDs are notorious liars, so it’s not necessarily true when they say that someone did or said something. The person probably never did or said that. So, if you’re suspecting that someone is gaslighting you, check the facts and get everything out in the open.

6. They tell you (and others) that you’re insane

Gaslighters are aware that they fool you, and their purpose is to make you start questioning your sanity. They know that when you start doubting reality, nobody else would believe you. This is a dismissive master technique that narcissists often use to ensure the victims don’t get heard and cannot get help. 

Hearing that they’re crazy can be challenging for people close to the gaslighters, like their children or partners, because they are the easiest to manipulate and control. When they say how much they love you and stuff like that, their goal is to create an invisible leash to keep you close to them. They intend to hurt you with every single word they say. They suck out your energy, just like vampires suck out your blood. That’s why they are also called Emotional Vampires. The worse you feel, the better they feel.

7. They confuse you with the occasional praising

People with narcissistic personality disorder are very much aware that you won’t stick with them or trust them if they’re terrible the whole time. So, they have to show their good side to throw you off track once in a while. The occasional positive reinforcement can come in the form of a gift, seemingly improved behavior (short-term, of course, until they get what they need from you), a nice gesture, etc. 

The end goal behind this behavior is making you think, “wait, maybe they’re not so bad” the next time they do something terrible. But, remember, it’s all just a calculated master plan.

8. They manipulate gradually – it’s an ongoing process

Gaslighting is not something that takes place only once, but it’s an ongoing process. A small lie here today, another one there tomorrow, some derogatory comments, and there you have it. Even the most self-aware and mentally stable person can fall prey to the long-term, subtle abuse that’s gaslighting.

With this method, gaslighters suck you into this grey layer of fog without you even noticing it. They intend to drive you insane, nothing else. Like this, they keep power and control over you. It’s similar to the metaphor with the frog in the pan: the heat increases slowly, so the frog doesn’t realize what’s happening until it’s too late.

9. They find your pain points and use them against you

Gaslighters manipulate you and tell you the whole time that you’re not good enough for anything. They find the thing you love the most or hold dear, and they start offending or poking around that area. Whatever hurts you the most, that’s where they’ll go. 

In time, you start believing that what they’re saying is accurate and that even the most significant highlights in your life aren’t worthy enough of their respect. You start thinking that you have to be thankful to be accepted by them, despite all your mistakes. They want you to depend on them and to look up to them, like a martyr. Next to them, you’re supposed to feel small and helpless. 

Once in a while, gaslighters will throw you a small bone so that you are happy for a while, but they will continue with their toxic abuse shortly after. All of this is simply a plot in their intention to make you feel doubtful and insane.

10. They are different in public

If you think that you know a gaslighter, think again. You will see them from a completely different point of view when they’re in public. They can seem surprisingly lovely to you and interested in your life (when other people are around), or they talk very bad about you in front of other people (when you are not around). 

The modified public behavior of gaslighters is yet another way to drive you crazy while presenting themselves in a great light. However, they are still the same narcissistic people as they are when you’re alone with them. Keep in mind that they don’t love you and have no empathy, whether at home or in public.